I’m not sure why I am choosing to post this on Tumblr, I don’t have many followers and most of the ones I do have are of no importance to me. No offense, but I don’t know most of you…which means you most likely aren’t reading this. Maybe it’s more therapeutic for myself. Anyway…onto my original point(s).
For the past year I have been trying to get out of Murfreesboro. I have had many plans to move across the country to start a new and fascinating life. I slowly started to realize it isn’t Murfreesboro I need to get away from. It’s society. For almost 6 years I have been trying to make a name for myself in this place, I have gone to countless parties, I have met hundreds of faces, and I’ve spent many a night curled up wasted on the bathroom floor. Maybe it was me realizing the only times I’ve had a decent time at those parties, with those faces, were when I couldn’t walk straight. I have been forcing myself to enjoy this social lifestyle when all it does is drain me.
I haven’t focused on my inner self in quite some time. Between work, social networks, and my extensive sleep schedule I’ve been stuck.
It’s no one’s fault but my own. I am an introvert, and I don’t want to be seen. It was after this realization I decided to move to my grandfather’s farm. It is in a very remote place on a mountain with no stop lights, no grocery store chains…nothing. I won’t have the luxury of running to Taco Bell to grab a quick bite, hell, I won’t be able to run to the store without driving down the mountain. I get to be secluded; my company will be my grandfather and our animals. Just typing this I am encased with a feeling of stability.
After I get settled and have cleared my head I plan to go back to school to study Mortuary Science. I am going to plant a garden, I am going to read my favorite books by the creek, and I am going to wake up and look out my window at endless mountains. It’s amazing how out of touch we are with the one who bore us. This earth is the reason we live and we take it for granted every day. We are such a lazy and disgusting breed. We spend so much time trying to deny that we are animals, and yet we are more vile than any creature I’ve met.
I am so happy with where I am headed. Just having this set in stone, I have become much more active and aware of my body. My head has been polluted since I was very young, and it is time I take control. I say I hate everyone pretty often, and I think I mean that. The reason I have these unexplained doubts, this idea of what it means to be successful, the notion that I am not good enough is based around an ideal set by a fucked up society. I am aware it’s always been this way, but that doesn’t make it any better. There is this undeniable social norm that we are forced to fit in to if we want to be accepted, even for the “outcasts” of society now. If you aren’t the right kind of internet chic, goth, alternative, witch, bro, gay, or WHAT THE FUCK EVER, it is scoffed at. I am beyond done with caring about anything that isn’t beneficial to me/my interests or the earth around me.
It’s time to be happy, it’s time to be true. I will create more, I will be more to myself. The security I have found in choosing to turn around and try again is beautiful. I trust myself, and I trust the universe.
I hope one of my two hundred followers I have left will read this and contemplate what it is they are doing. I hope you can be alone with yourself and in your head and not be upset with what you find. If you are upset…fix it. After all, you’re the only proof you have that any of this is real.
Also I am so in love with my best friend, and he is such a little shit head, and I haven’t been so genuinely happy in the past 10 years.
Bright lights. Red nose.